The Adventures of Brainy
by LycoRogue
Summary: Why is it that Brainy never gets the girl? Well, he's planning on changing that, even if it's just in his own daydream. Story is meant to be a parody of a 1930s melodrama.


****A/N: Why is it that Brainy never gets the girl? Well, he's planning on changing that, even if it's just in his own daydream.**

**This is my entry for the Hey Arnold Valentine's Day contest. As with the Halloween Contest I of course waited until the last possible minute to write. Between moving and desperately trying to get my latest chapter of "What Is Truly Meant To Be: A Hey Arnold Musical" done I wasn't able to start writing until the February 8th deadline. By the time I was done writing I had about an hour left before the cut-off and I was too tired to see the screen anymore, so naturally I found some typos when I read through it (after submitting it... gah!). So this is the polished up version, written in just one day. I really need to stop doing that!**

******_Disclaimer time: _********_Hey Arnold! and its franchise are owned by Nickelodeon and remain the intellectual property of Craig Bartlett. I do not own any of the used characters or locations._****

******The Adventures of Brainy**

"Yeah, later, Helga." Arnold rolled his eyes, heaved a sigh, and walked down the hallway.

"Whatever, Football Head," Helga stuck her nose up in the air and walked to her locker. As she opened the door she grumbled to herself, "Arnold. What a buffoon. What an annoying goody two-shoes. What a stick-in-the-mud. How I hate him." Helga peered around her locker door, glaring at Arnold as he gathered his things and rounded the corner. As he vanished from her view her face softened, "And yet," her voice trailed off. She carefully glanced around her to make sure no one was within ear shot, but somehow she missed Brainy at his locker staring at her.

"I love him," Helga whimpered, unknowingly confessing in front of Brainy. The awkward boy knelt behind his locker door and clung to the edge, hanging on his beloved's every word. "The way he stands up for what is right," Helga continued as she unburied her locket bearing Arnold's picture, "The way he's always so sincere and noble. I love how he fights for the little guy." As Helga continued her monologue Brainy dreamingly wondered what it would feel like for those words to be about him instead.

* * *

"The way you always make sure a wrong is righted, that is why I love you, Sweet Darling." Helga batted her eyes as she clung on to Brainy's arm. She gave a love-sick whimper as he smiled at her. "The park just seems incredibly lovely whenever I'm with you."

The park was indeed lovely with the sky a wonderful pale blue and only the faintest wisps of cloud delicately rolling by. The grass was freshly trimmed and a vibrant green with some of the most magnificent wild flowers growing. The trees provided cool patches of shade while the birds nested inside serenaded the couple. With Helga by his side, Brainy couldn't picture the park being any nicer.

"Oh, my dear, wonderful, masculine Brainy, I just might die if I must wait another moment for a kiss from your sweet lips." Helga stood her ground and gently tugged on his hand with a playful pleading in her face.

"Uh," Brainy gave a breathy laugh, "Alright." He gave a charming grin as he lightly blushed at Helga's forwardness. As she closed her eyes and delicately puckered her lips, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in to him.

Helga let out a glee filled gasp before bashfully looking away from him and biting her lip. "You're so manly," she giggled before again turning to him and gazing deep in to his eyes.

Brainy gave Helga a wink before slightly dipping her back in his arms and leaning in for their kiss. As he closed his eyes he heard galloping and an all too familiar voice shouting for the horse to move faster. Before he had a chance to react, Helga was ripped out of his arms by the passing horseman.

"Let me go!" Helga fought the fiend as he struggled to pull her up on to the horse. "Brainy! Help me!" She cried and stretched out her hand.

Brainy raced to the horse, his hand grasping for Helga's. As he reached the stallion's side it reared, pulling Helga out of Brainy's reach as she unwillingly clung to her captor to keep from being tossed. The steed kicked the air as it lowered itself back to all four hooves, forcing Brainy to retreat.

Brainy glared at the wild horse and its rider. The stallion was midnight black with a hellfire in its eyes. Its mane and tail were kept short and tied back like a military steed. It snorted angrily as it pawed at the ground with its hoof. If the beast wasn't so ferocious it would have looked beautiful. Brainy's debonair foe sat high in his saddle, struggling to hold a flailing Helga across his lap. His blond hair was slicked back and his upper lip donned a pencil mustache. His black cape draped behind him across the horse and matched his pinstriped suit with malicious style.

"Let her go, Arnold!" Brainy attempted to get close to the horse once more, but the steed raced past him, stopping about ten yards away.

Arnold let out a maniacal laugh that sounded like he was literally saying "ha ha ha" from the depth of his throat. "You shall never have your precious Helga back!" He threw his head back in another laugh. Helga continued to punch and kick at him, but Arnold shrugged off the pain as he kicked his beast in to another gallop.

As they faded from view Helga managed to poke around Arnold's chest and call out behind her, "Brainy! Help me!"

_oXoXoXoXoXoXo_

"You despicable fiend," Helga struggled against the restraints of her chair, "What do you want from me?"

Arnold entered the solid metal room. The only things inside were a small end table and Helga's chair – both bolted to the floor. "It's quite simple, m'dear" he smirked as he smoothed down his mustache, "I wish to hurt Brainy, and what better way to do so than to have him realize he can never save you?"

"You're wrong! He'll save me. He's always there for me. Just you wait. Brainy will be here to rescue me before you can say 'I lost'."

Arnold ran his fingers through Helga's hair. She whipped her head away from his touch and scowled at him in disgust. "Don't you see, my pretty," Arnold leaned in to whisper in her ear, "I want him here as soon as possible. I can't wait to see how this plays out."

Helga's eyes grew wide, "What are you planning?"

"Aww, you look so upset. I wouldn't want my valued guest so distraught." Arnold snapped his fingers. The heavy metal door opened again and a bizarre man walked in carrying a silver tray with a tall glass filled with purple liquid. The henchman looked like a clumsy version of Arnold, only in rags fitting of labor-intensive days instead of the villain's high class suits.

"What is he?" Helga gawked.

"Oh, don't mind Arnie. Just a failed cloning attempt is all. He's a bit of a simpleton, but he's also one of my most loyal henchmen. Isn't that right, Arnie?"

"I like gum," the henchman's voice was monotone, "plain flavored."

Arnold rewarded his double with a stick of plain gum and a rustling of his unruly blond locks. "Such a fine lad. Now, offer the young lady a drink, will you?"

Arnie crept forward with his silver tray, loudly smacking on his gum. Once he reached the bolted down table he set the glass on it and inserted a straw so Helga could reach her beverage while still strapped in her chair.

"Like I'd ever accept anything you offered me," Helga scoffed at the glass and the genetic twins.

"Well, that's quite a shame. And here I was trying to be courteous to you so your last moments wouldn't be so bad."

"Last moments?" Helga stared down her captor with terror scrawled across her face.

Arnold motioned for Arnie to retreat to the door and turn a dial. When the deformed clone did so the ceiling began to slowly glow, becoming a deeper orange-red as the seconds passed. "You see, that ceiling is a giant burner, as it were, slowly heating up to capacity – which just so happens to be about eight-hundred degrees. As the ceiling heats up, so will the completely metal room. Not only will the floor start to burn your delicate little feet, but the sheer heat of the air will slowly dehydrate you as if you were stuck in the desert for days. However, my contraption will only take a few hours – tops. Your demise will be painful and most likely messy. Meanwhile, I get to watch your dear beau suffer as he struggles to save you and ultimately fail."

"You monster!"

"I know," Arnold grinned, "it's just so much fun to be the bad guy."

"You'll never get away with this! Brainy will stop you and save me!"

Arnold sighed, "Do you realize how cliché you sound right now?" He hung his head and dramatically turned, allowing his cape to bellow out behind him. "Oh well," he waved over his shoulder as he walked to the door, "enjoy your drink, you'll probably need it in about fifteen minutes." He gave one last demonic smirk as he closed the door behind him.

"Arnold!" Helga screamed, "Get back here you retch!" She struggled against her restraints and scanned her surroundings for any hope of escape. Above her the ceiling was continuing to heat up and the moisture in the air was already disappearing. "Come on, Helga girl. You can do this." She scraped open her wrists as she tried to pull her hands through the cuffs on the arms of the chair. She shifted her weight to try to loosen the bolts holding her to the floor.

After five minutes of struggling she was already feeling faint; sweat coating her skin. Weakly she called out, "Brainy, help."

_oXoXoXoXoXoXo_

Brainy scaled the side of the mountain. As he reached the peak the land was covered in thick grass and tall trees. The dense forest was complete with hundreds of Arnold's minions roaming the property. Through the canopy Brainy could spot Arnold's lair; an elaborate Victorian mansion decorated in gothic architecture and surveillance.

Carefully watching the routes of the minions, Brainy climbed the nearest tree and skirted past the guards in the intertwining branches. Crawling through the limbs was challenging and about half way to the mansion a branch snapped. As Brainy tumbled back to the ground he managed to grab hold of the tree, but the fallen branch hit the ground with a thud. As the guards raced to the area Brainy knew he needed a new tactic.

With monkey-like reflexes he climbed through a few more trees to get away from the crash site before the guards could track him down. However, it wouldn't stop them from letting Arnold know that there was an intruder. From the tree top Brainy saw the start of his new solution.

A guard ran towards the tree that Brainy was hiding in. There were no other guards around so Brainy climbed to a lower branch. As the minion ran past, Brainy hooked his knees around the branch and swung himself down to snatch the man off the ground. In a quick move Brainy covered the man's mouth and swung them back up in to the tree. With a swift punch he knocked the guard out and gently rested him on the limb; making sure the guard wouldn't fall once he let go.

Brainy quickly moved through the rest of the tree line, repeating his swoop and snatch tactic whenever a guard drew near. As the forest cleared the mansion was in full view, but so were about fifty more guards between him and the door.

The air was heavy with the sound of dozens of flags flapping in the wind. Arnold had them draped all over his hideout; black triangular flags with his emblem of a monocle-wearing football embroidered in red.

Brainy skirted around the stone wall fence and scrambled up to the top edge of it. He wove through shadows and half walls, expertly avoiding the guards until he made it to a window. Wedging it open, he slinked inside and closed the window again just as a minion passed by.

"Coming, Helga. Hold on," Brainy whispered as he made his way through the mansion.

_oXoXoXoXoXoXo_

A heavy haze filled the air as the red-hot ceiling continued to heat up the room. Helga struggled to keep her feet off the floor as it began to get unbearably hot as well. Her vision became blurred and her throat burned. Her lips were painfully chapped and her head felt unusually heavy. She fought to keep her eyes open but she was so weary that the only things holding her upright in the chair were her restraints.

As her head dipped to the side one thing gained focus. A tall glass of purple liquid with a straw sticking out of it. The beverage Arnold had offered her. In the heat a good third of the fluid evaporated, but there was still enough left to quench her scratchy throat.

"Thank god! A drink!" Helga coughed on her voice as she leaned in for the straw. "Wait," she lazily pulled herself back, "What am I doing? Arnold left that. It has to be a trap." Her vision blurred again and she doze off for a moment. She bolted her head upright with a start, "Doesn't matter. I need fluids." She again leaned in for the straw, her tongue desperately reaching. Abruptly she shut her mouth, "it could be dangerous. What if it's poison or something?" With the last of her strength she rocked her head back and away from the drink, stopping herself from seeing the tempting glass. "Oh, Brainy, why haven't you rescued me yet?"

_oXoXoXoXoXoXo_

"Master," Arnie shuffled up beside Arnold and leaned in to the debonair villain's ear, "Brainy has been spotted."

"Ah, he's a touch faster than I anticipated. No matter, my plan is sure to come together soon. Distract our gallant hero, but do not harm him." Arnold leaned forward in his chair and interlocked his fingers. He looked at a monitor of Helga fading in her heated room. "The real fun should be just about to start."

"Where do you want him?"

With a smirk and a sideward glance Arnold replied, "The ballroom will be a nice arena for our big show."

Arnie gave a toothy grin back and bowed out of the room. In Helga's prison she finally wagged her heavy head back towards the glass. "That's right, my pet," Arnold cooed at the screen, "you're very thirsty, aren't you?" He turned a dial by his seat and the mic in Helga's heated room turned on.

"This is crazy," her voice echoed throughout Arnold's office, "poison or not, I'm going to die anyway if I don't drink something." She bit her lower lip, splitting it open. She coughed on the taste of her blood. The anguished look on her face betrayed her desire to cry, but her inability to do so. "I'm so sorry, Brainy. I have faith that you will save me, I swear I do. I just-" She closed her eyes tight and stretched out her tongue, "I'm so thirsty."

She took long sips of the drink. The purple liquid visibly dropped with each slurp. It kept only a few seconds for the glass to be drained. "Was that-" Helga tilted her head to the side, "grape pop?" She gave a burp and rocked forward as if she was about to vomit. "What on earth?" She swayed as much as her restrains would allow before her head dipped forward.

"Fantastic. Now the main event is finally ready!" Arnold swung his head back and let out loud, manacle cackles.

_oXoXoXoXoXoXo_

"I think he went this way," a group of Arnold's henchmen ran down a hall, passing by Brainy's hiding space tucked under an end table. Despite the multitude of hiding places inside the mansion, the sheer number of guards and security cameras made sneaking through the villain's hideout a lot harder than he expected. Every corner he turned the guards seemed to be waiting for him. It was difficult to work his way so deep in to the mansion.

Brainy rolled out from under the table and gathered his bearings. In an instant he knew he was in the right place. The doors before him were large and ornate. He wasn't sure that Helga would be behind them, but he was fairly certain that Arnold would be. He slowly opened the door and poked his head around. The large room had a wooden floor, large pillars, and a mezzanine. There was a smaller set of doors on the opposite end of the room and next to them was a large throne-like chair. As predicted, Arnold was smugly sitting in the thrown. A staff with a large diamond as the handle rested against the chair and an ugly clone of Arnold stood to his right.

"Give her back," Brainy growled at his nemesis.

Arnold smugly grinned, "Aww, now what's the fun in just giving her back to you like that? Especially after all the work I put in to getting you both here. No, no, I believe I'd much rather get rid of you before you ever find out what I did with your precious Helga. See, that seems a lot more enjoyable to me, don't you think, Arnie?"

The clone snorted behind him, "It was quite the plan, Master."

"Release her," Brainy scowled and gave an angry snort, "Or I'll force you."

"Force me?" Arnold laughed. A moment later Arnie awkwardly joined in with the laughter. Brainy continued to glare at them. As the hero took a step forward the villain cut off his laughter and raised his hand, signaling Arnie to abruptly stop as well. "You'll have to get to me in order to do that, and something tells me that won't happen."

Arnold leaned comfortably in his thrown and gave a loud whistle. A ninja jumped down from the mezzanine, dressed head to toe in black. The ninja made sure to stand between the nemeses and adopted a praying mantis fighting stance.

"Arnold!" Brainy rushed towards his foe, but the ninja ran to meet the spike-haired hero and knocked him across the room. Brainy groaned as he climbed back to his feet. "I'll get her back!"

With another whistle from Arnold the ninja charged Brainy and kicked him in to the nearby pillar. He cried out as the wind was knocked out of him.

"Well, you two have fun, alright?" Arnold stood up and Arnie escorted him through to the doors leading to the mezzanine. Meanwhile, Brainy desperately rolled and dodged out of the way of the attacking ninja. Just before closing the doors behind him, Arnold turned and called out, "Now don't lose too quickly, Brainy. I need some time to get up to the mezzanine so I can watch you perish."

"Get back here!" Brainy called out before dodging another kick from his opponent. With a dive forward, he somersaulted before jumping to his feet in order to sprint towards the door Arnold exited through. Before he got three steps towards the exit the ninja slid across the waxed ballroom floor and knocked his legs out from under him.

"Helga!" Brainy cried out sprawled across the floor, "I'm coming, I swear!" He struggled to get to the doors but the ninja kept blocking his moves, kicking and punching until he was bruised. Finally, he turned towards his opponent and began to fight back. "If I have to fight you," he stammered, "To get to Helga-" He breathed heavily as he advanced on the ninja, "You will go down."

Brainy began swinging punches back, dodging the ninja's kicks and leg sweeps. Arnold got situated in his seat high above the ballroom; cheering every time the ninja's blows made it through Brainy's defense.

Brainy started panting heavily as he strained to stand upright. He slid and dove around the ninja, waiting for an opening, but the masked attacker came at him with ferocity. With one last roundhouse kick Brainy went flying in to another pillar. He lay crumbled on the floor, coughing as he struggled to breathe.

"Alright, enough of that," Arnold called from his seat. "Do finish him off quickly now, my pet." He nodded towards Arnie who tossed a katana down to the masked minion.

The ninja snatched the sword from the air, bowed, and walked over to the broken Brainy. The warrior unsheathed the katana and held it high above Brainy, winding up for the fatal stab.

Staring at the blade looming above him, all Brainy could think of was how he failed Helga. With renewed strength he found his opening and swung his legs around, knocking the ninja's legs out. With a yelp the anonymous fighter fell, dropping the sword to the floor.

As the sword spun across the slippery wood the two opponents crawled behind it, climbing over each other and tugging on each other's clothes to try to hold them back. With the sword just inches out of reach, Brainy grabbed hold of the ninja's hood and pulled tight, hoping to grasp a fistful of hair. Instead, the cowl came off in his hand, revealing long blond hair.

Helga whipped her head around and shoved Brainy off of her. As she reached for the sword, the shocked Brainy scrambled to his feet, staring terrified at the mask in his hands.

"What is this?" he screamed up to Arnold, waving the hood in the air.

Arnold responded with a simple laugh.

"I'm going to make you pay," Brainy raced for one of the pillars in attempt to climb up to Arnold. Before his hand could grasp the etched stone the katana whizzed past him and stuck firm in the pillar.

"Don't you dare try to hurt my man!" Helga charged at Brainy as he retreated.

"Wait! Your man? Arnold?" Brainy dodged a few heated punches and blocked a few more. "What did you do?" he cried out to his enemy.

"Oh dear, it seems our dear little heroine doesn't love you anymore," Arnold chuckled. He reached beside his chair and held up a beaker of purple liquid. He sloshed the fluid around to make sure Brainy saw it. "Perhaps it's because she drank some of this love potion and is now brainwashed."

"You scoundrel!" Brainy broke for the pillar again, but Helga whipped behind him and pinned his arms.

Arnold stood and walked to the edge of the mezzanine without fear of Brainy's attack. "Originally I was just going to let your little flower here stay in life threatening peril while I watch you fail your attempt to rescue her. Watching you watch her die would have been so sweet. But then I got to thinking about the possibility of you actually thwarting my plan and saving your damsel in distress. Plus, it seemed like such a waste to get rid of such feistiness."

Brainy struggled against Helga, but now knowing that he was fighting his beloved the whole time, he couldn't put his full effort in to breaking free. Helga was more-or-less safe and he didn't want to chance being the person that hurt her. Meanwhile, Arnold paced the edge of the balcony as he handed Arnie the vial of love potion. "That's when I had my brilliant plan to brainwash your little bird. I mean, killing you would be fun, but what could possibly sting more than the gallant hero rushing to save a damsel that doesn't wish to be rescued?" With a mock surprised expression, Arnold amended, "Oh! I know what could sting more! How about the love of my nemesis's life being the one to dispose of him? Yes, you can't get more evil than that, can you?"

"You fiend! You monster! You cad!" Brainy struggled against Helga's grip and felt it reluctantly loosen.

"Yes, yes, I'm an evil person. I've heard it all before," Arnold yawned. "Helga, darling, he's boring me. Please get rid of him quickly so I can get on with my day."

"You arrogant wretch!" Brainy ripped his arm away from Helga and sprinted for the pillar. Before she could catch up to him, he was using the embedding sword as a foothold as he climbed to the mezzanine. With a growl she pounced after him, but in his hurried climb Brainy didn't notice her and kicked her square in the chest.

With the wind knocked out of her, Helga fell limp on to the ballroom floor, her head ricocheting off the hardwood. "Helga! No!" Brainy cried out and jumped back down, racing to her side.

"Oh, things just got interesting again," Arnold muttered to his failed clone.

"Helga? Helga can you hear me?" Brainy knelt beside his unconscious love and scooped her up in to his arms, cradling her head. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I just wanted to save you from him. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant for this to happen. I'm so sorry I failed you."

"This is better than the theater," Arnold chimed in, "Where's my popcorn?"

Brainy ignored the villain's snide remarks and brushed the hair out of Helga's face. "My sweet angel." Tears rolled down his cheeks and dropped on to hers. In that tender moment he leaned in for a kiss to prove to her how sorry he was.

With Helga limp in his arms, he brought her lips up to his own and kissed her tenderly and passionately. A few seconds later he felt her lips kissing back, pressing against his and fighting for supremacy. As he pulled away from her his blond goddess smiled up at him.

"Brainy," she weakly sighed, "I just knew you'd come to save me." She embraced him in a tight hug, and he held her just as close.

"I am so sorry, Helga. Are you alright?" Concern flooded Brainy's face, making Helga chuckle.

"A bit sore, but I'm fine."

"You and your stupid True Love's Kiss! Why does that always break the spell? It's stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid!" Arnold stomped around in his perch. "Fine! If she's not going to kill you I guess I'll have to do it the old fashioned way." Arnold pressed a button to activate a loud speaker, "Guards, get them!"

First the large ornate doors that Brainy came in burst open as a flood of henchmen swarmed the room. Brainy grabbed hold of Helga's hand and they raced towards the mezzanine doors that Arnold used, only to be stopped by another flood of men.

Cornered, the couple slowly retreated towards a window in the middle of the opposite wall. "Brainy, the window," Helga struggled to get it open. Placing himself between Helga and the guards, Brainy pushed hard on the window until it finally swung open.

"Oh no! It's too far," Helga looked out the window at the thirty foot drop down. "Brainy, they're coming closer, what do we do? We're trapped!"

Brainy quickly spotted one of Arnold's tacky emblem flags swaying in the breeze just outside the window. With a coy smile he replied, "Maybe not."

"What on earth do you mean?" Helga clung to Brainy's back, trying to stay as close to him as possible.

"Simple," Brainy gave a breathy snicker, "Jump."

"Jump? Are you mad? We'll be killed!"

Brainy swung around Helga, stood in the window frame and held out his hand for her, "Do you trust me?"

Helga scanned the room of advancing henchmen and nodded at Brainy, taking his hand, "Always."

Pulling her in tight, Brainy wrapped his arm around her waist, "You ready?"

Helga hugged Brainy with all her might and prayed they would survive, "Get me out of this joint!"

With a cowboy battle cry, Brainy leapt for the nearby flag, gripping the fabric as firmly as he could as they quickly slid down it.

"Brainy?" Helga cried out in fear, clinging tightly to him. In a swift motion he swung her in front of him so she was pinned between him and the flag and then let go of her waist. She screamed and held tighter to stop herself from slipping. Brainy used his free hand to grab another portion of the flag, stop their slide down, and instead swung the flag until they reached solid ground.

Once they were both firmly planted on the ground outside Arnold's mansion Helga squealed for joy. "Oh, my brave hero! I just knew I could count on you to rescue me." She grabbed hold of Brainy's cheeks and pulled his head down to meet hers, kissing him passionately.

Arnold poked his head out from the window the couple escaped from and furiously yelled, "Curses! Foiled yet again! Just you wait! I'll get you next time, Brainy! You can't escape from me!"

Helga broke from her kiss and looked over her man's shoulder. "Then how is it that we just did?" she called back up to her captor. As she watched Arnold's face grow red she gave him a raspberry and made a face.

"Guards! Get them, you fools!" Arnold bellowed.

"Time to go," Brainy grabbed Helga's hand and raced through the vast property outside the mansion before again reaching the woods. The couple laughed as Arnold's henchmen chased after them in vain.

"You're never gonna catch us," Helga mockingly called back, her spunk reignited. Brainy looked over at his beloved and thanked the lord that she was back to her old self and back by his side.

"Brainy! Watch out!" As Brainy turned to watch where he was running he slammed full force in to a tree.

* * *

Brainy blinked until his eyes gained some focus. He felt like he was looking through a fishbowl and quickly realized it was because his glasses weren't on straight. The floor of PS118 was refreshingly cool on his back and his face stung where Helga punched him in the nose.

Hovering above him Helga glared down, "Will you stop breathing behind me like that, you creep?" She stormed off with a huff as Brainy sat up.

Pulling tape out of his back pocket he quickly patched up the broken bridge of his glasses. Before putting the mended specs back on, he rubbed his nose. There was no place better than behind Helga in her most private moments. He felt the most connected to her then. If getting pounded was the admission he had to pay, he'd do so gladly.

With a happy sigh he gathered his belongings and followed Helga's trail. Sooner or later she'd allow her sweet, poetic side to show again, and he wanted to make sure to never miss a minute.


End file.
